How Often Should You Visit a Loved One in Memory Care

Now that your loved one has moved into a memory care residence, you are both adjusting to a new normal. You might find that you’re genuinely curious about how often you should be visiting them in their new home, especially when you might have been used to visiting frequently to help them out before their move. While there is no one-size-fits-all approach, you can work to find a consistent routine that works best for your schedule and for your loved one’s comfort levels. This article gives you a few things to consider as you develop your new visiting habits and switch them up as your needs change.

Finding The Right Visiting Routine for Your Loved One

Your visiting routine for your loved one will not look the same as that of another loved one in the same residence. For example, if you live a few hours away, it is simply not as convenient to visit as it would be for someone who lives only a few minutes away. Whether you are stopping by for an in-person visit or making a phone call from further away, there are some general guidelines to consider when developing your routine.

• 1-2 times a week is generally the most realistic option for busy family members.
• Daily visits are typically not necessary.
• Consistency trumps frequency, just as quality trumps quantity.
• Phone calls are an excellent alternative, especially if you live far away and cannot make those frequent in-person visits.

Factors That Influence How Often You Should Visit

Your visiting routine today will not necessarily be your visiting routine a year from now. There are so many variables, on your side and theirs, that will affect your schedule. The key is to always be flexible and know that any time you spend with your loved one is meaningful.

Stages of Dementia

Your loved one’s preferences and needs will change as they progress through the stages of dementia. This means that your visiting routine may change through that progression as well. In the early stage of dementia, your loved one might find comfort in your presence, especially if they are stressed out and anxious about their cognitive decline. Those living in the early stage of the disease often know they are forgetting, and they may look for familiarity and reassurance from regular visits. If your loved one is in the early stage of dementia, you might find that writing down your next visit on a calendar or note for them to see can help them feel grounded when you are not around. You can also have a journal in their apartment that they can write things down that they want to talk to you about; when you visit the next time, you can see if they’d still like to cover the things they wrote down in their journal.

In the middle stage of dementia, your loved one might still find comfort in your presence, but they may struggle to know your name or who you are. They may mix you up with someone else from their past. This doesn’t mean that your loved one isn’t still comforted by your presence and your visit. During this stage of dementia, it can be common for the person to be restless and anxious in the late afternoon. Time your visits for the earlier part of the day when they are feeling their best, and focus on sharing an activity together.

Finally, in the late stage of dementia, the person might be sleeping often, and they may be nonverbal. Both of these factors can significantly affect your time together. Focus your visits on being present and simply being with your loved one.

Adjustment Period After Move-In

If your loved one has just moved into a memory care community, the transition can be difficult to navigate. A move is stressful for anyone, but the stress increases when you add dementia into the picture. Be especially flexible during the first weeks and months of the move. You might find that your loved one finds comfort in your visits, and you might choose to incorporate more frequent visits as your schedule allows. However, you might also notice that your loved one becomes more agitated when you visit during that initial transition. In that case, you might want to decrease your visits so that you aren’t stressing your loved one out while they settle into their new home and routine.

If you aren’t sure how your visits are affecting your loved one, talk about it with the caregivers and staff at the memory care residence. They are still getting to know your loved one, but they will be able to let you know whether your visit increased anxiety or provided comfort.

Personality and Preferences

Not everyone is a social butterfly, and sometimes visits can be more stressful than pleasant for people who are naturally introverted or easily overstimulated. You know your loved one best, and you’ll continue to get to know their quirks as dementia progresses. Stay flexible and understand that your visiting schedule may change based on how they accept your visits.

If your loved one enjoys socialization, they may thrive when you visit. If your loved one is more introverted or is prone to overstimulation, you might have to adjust your visits to include more quiet time together. You might find that a visit in the bustling living room of the memory care community is too much for your loved one and instead choose to sit and listen to music together in their quieter apartment. 

Your Availability and Well-Being

Your mental health is also important when coming up with your visiting routine. You are juggling multiple roles in your life, and it can be difficult to plan twice-weekly visits when you are also coming up to an important deadline at work, or you are in the midst of planning a graduation celebration for your high school senior child. You can back off on visits during certain seasons of your life without guilt, and you might also discover that some time away from a regimented visiting schedule can help you feel refreshed.

If you are going to take time away from your loved one for any reason, you might feel guilty. If that is the case, you can find some relief in asking others if they could come in for visits in your place. Could you ask a few of your loved one’s church friends to visit this week, or for your other siblings to take a few extra visits?

Why Consistency Matters More Than Frequency

Often, a consistent visiting schedule is better than a schedule that is unpredictable but frequent. So, that monthly visit that you commit to can mean more than stopping by sporadically a few times per week. Why? Predictability brings comfort and familiarity for both of you, reducing anxiety and giving you both a soft and peaceful place to land. Irregular visits can be confusing and can sometimes feel rushed.

Consistent visits can also give the gift of predictability to caregiving staff. If they know that you stop by after work every other Monday, they can help your loved one look forward to that scheduled visit. Caregiving staff can also know that they can ask you questions or catch you up on any information when you stop by on those Mondays.

How Long Should Visits Be

While it might seem like a longer visit is a better visit, this isn’t always the case when it comes to dementia. Shorter visits are often more effective, as they give just enough time to share an activity or experience together, but aren’t so long that the visit becomes overstimulating.

Remember, everyone living with dementia is unique so a “standard” visiting time isn’t applicable. Instead, you’ll want to focus on how your loved one is reacting to your visit. Be sure you are planning to leave before they are overstimulated or anxious. You can determine that ideal visiting window by paying attention to their:

• Attention span – are they able to keep up with your conversation?
• Restlessness – while some seniors living with dementia will be restless all the time, is there an uptick in restless behaviors (pacing, wringing hands, rummaging, wandering, etc.) toward the end of your visit?
• Sleepiness – is your loved one nodding off in their favorite chair toward the end of your visit?
• Community life – you don’t want to extend your visit so long that it interferes with daily routines like meals or showers

Start with a rule of thumb of your visits being no more than 45 minutes. Then, see how you can adjust them to find the ideal fit for your loved one on that particular day.

When Less Frequent Visits May Be Better

No one gets a gold star for frequent visits, especially if those visits are not benefiting the senior or their visitor. It is always okay to back off from your visiting routine and adjust it if your loved one is showing signs of agitation, overstimulation, or other negative behaviors. You might also want to reduce your visits if your loved one is thriving in their new home and your visits are causing confusion. Finally, you might want to limit your visits if your mental health or personal schedule can not handle it at this moment. It is always okay to slow your visit frequency so that everyone remains as healthy as possible.

Tips for making Memory Care Visits Meaningful

A meaningful visit is any visit when you and your loved one get to spend time together. Don’t get hung up on thinking that you have to complete a certain activity or talk for a certain amount of time for it to feel like it was time well spent. Instead, be present and in the moment with your loved one, whether you are chatting, working a puzzle, or simply looking out the window. The important part is that you’re together.

Keep Visits Simple and Calm

While it can be helpful to bring along some items that could help your visit (a favorite and easy game, favorite family photos, etc.), don’t worry about bringing along an activity that is too difficult or time-consuming. Instead, focus on simplicity and ensure your time together is calm. 

• Limit distractions by moving into a quieter area of the community, turning off the TV, etc.
• Taking a walk outside in the enclosed courtyard can be a lovely way to get moving together
• Listen to their favorite music and sing along together
• Sip a cup of coffee and look at the birds in the community feeder

Focus on Familiar Activities

Consider bringing along memory activity supplies that are familiar to both of you and that you can engage in together. You can bring in photos, food, or supplies that remind them of their past hobbies and interests. Here are a few ideas:

• Green beans you can snap and put in a pot (shucking corn is a great idea too)
• Postcards from favorite family vacation spots
• Pictures of flowers and birds
• Pictures of the old neighborhood, including favorite diners and restaurants

Follow Their Lead

If you brought a bag full of activity supplies and your loved one is restless and would prefer to walk, follow their lead. You can always pack up the supplies again next time. You’re there to join them in their moment, so if you start talking about family vacations and they end up talking about a football game, that is okay. Follow them there.

Coordinate With Staff

Finally, if you’re ever struggling with your visits for any reason, talk with the caregiving team. They are often able to offer advice and ideas from their years of experience and from their knowledge of your loved one’s current needs and preferences. They are often a treasure trove of information, and they will love helping you find a new way to connect with your loved one.

Staying Connected When You Can’t Visit Often

In-person visits are not always realistic for one reason or another. If you’re unable to visit your loved one in person, you can still connect with them using technology and community staff.

• Use video or phone calls to connect regularly. Mark it on their calendar and let staff know so they can help get your loved one set up with the call.
• Send letters and care packages. Your loved one might not be able to write back or talk about it when you call the next time, but it does help you feel connected to your loved one anyway.
• Get community staff involved by asking for ideas as well as contacting them to get information on how your loved one is doing.

Frequently Asked Questions About Memory Care Visits

• How often is too often to visit in memory care?

You can certainly visit as often as you’d like, but ensure your visits are enriching your loved one’s day and not causing more stress or anxiety.

• How long should memory care visits last?

Start by staying no more than 45 minutes and look for signs of fatigue, restlessness, or overstimulation. You can always adjust your time based on how your loved one is feeling that day.

• What if my loved one doesn’t recognize me?

As dementia progresses, your loved one might not recognize you, or they may get you confused with someone else from your past. You can still have a meaningful visit with them by spending time together.

• Can visits make dementia worse?

A visit will not make dementia worse, but it can sometimes cause additional stress or anxiety. Try to schedule your visits for the time of day when your loved one is at their best and be sure to stop the visit before they show signs of overstimulation.

Finding the Right Visiting Routine

Your visiting routine is meant to be personalized for you and your loved one. It will change as their needs and preferences change, and that is okay. Your routine will also adjust to accommodate your own personal obligations and mental health needs. This is also okay. As long as you choose to focus on time together, you both will have a meaningful visit.

If you’re searching for more information on memory care services or have questions about when it is time to consider memory care, check out a Legend Senior Living residence near you. We are here to support you and your loved one.